Dear White People, Let’s Talk About Combating Racism

Republished at The Huffington Post

Dear White People,

I’ve debated for a while whether or not to even write what I’ve learned so far on racism, out of fear of taking up space in the racial justice movement when that space could’ve been better occupied by a person of color who actually lives the experience and is way better versed than someone like me. I don’t want to just be another white ally putting herself in the spotlight.

But the fact of the matter is I am a white person, I am a writer and educator, I have a small audience, and my white privilege was the major catalyst that has gotten me to this place. So that’s where I’m writing from – that place of privilege that has afforded me opportunities that other people don’t have, like being a contributor for Huffington Post, The Good Men Project, Spoke/Red Tricycle, and Scary Mommy, to name a few. Make no mistake, people of color have been fighting to be heard for a long time. The experiences leading up to my getting published were because of white privilege, but my success in getting published happened overnight because Continue reading

Fishing in a Sea of Grief

A version of this was republished at The Huffington Post under the title: How I Chased My Gender Creative Child’s Bullies Away

I know there are people who don’t understand why, or don’t agree with the fact that my family is out & proud, advocating publicly for our youngest, gender creative child. That’s okay. They don’t need to understand or agree with us because it’s our family, and it’s what’s right for us, right now. But we know there are people who don’t understand (though they might, if they cared to simply ask us). And we know there are people who disagree (though they’re judging only what they can see on the surface, and are all too happy to tell us).

There could be many reasons. Maybe they don’t know that my son Charlie encouraged me to write more publicly about him, something beyond my little blog with 2 subscribers. I’d been keeping journals my entire life. I always loved writing, and called it my brain-purging; my therapy. My youngest child actually wanted his story told. Before I ever went public, he heard Continue reading

Let’s Not Confuse Political Correctness With Basic Human Decency

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image via Buzzfeed, from the Duke University “You Don’t Say” Campaign

I often wonder what people really mean when they long for the days of not having to be politically correct. “I’m about to say some things that are not PC,” they might warn.  Or, “Whoops, better be careful; someone might call the PC police.” Sometimes we hear it following the discrimination of marginalized groups who speak up when their people are dehumanized. In response to their concerns, we often hear, “Oh, they’re just trying to be politically correct.” Or, “I’m so sick of all this PC nonsense. It’s ruining our country.”

I’m beginning to realize that part of the problem in our country right now is a whole lot of people are mistakenly confusing “political correctness” with “basic human decency.” Continue reading

I Vow Not to Fill Social Media with Puppies and Kittens

The gauntlet has been thrown down: choruses of people on social media are writing that they can’t handle the negativity following this week’s election, and are requesting that their feeds only be filled with pictures of cute puppies and kittens.

Like Trump, I want to make a contract for my fellow Americans:

1.) I vow that I will not be filling Facebook with pictures of puppies and kittens – at least not anytime soon. Likewise, I vow that I will not post kumbaya statements talking about how Trump really does have America’s best interests at heart and how everyone should now come together and unite, despite the fact that he’s been tearing us apart for well over a year. 

2.) I vow that I will not normalize abuse. Ever. Everywhere I turn it seems people are normalizing a man who has spewed hatred, intolerance, bigotry, and fear, fear that is legitimate because the man literally bragged about committing sexual assault, how he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and still get elected, and stated he would break families apart. Continue reading

Alone in a Crowded Park

Republished under the title ‘Why I Worry When I Take My Gender Creative Son to the Park’ on Scary Mommy, and also at The Huffington Post

I have been sitting here at the local community park for over an hour, on this bustling, crisp October afternoon. I have counted at least forty-five children running, playing, shouting, and swinging. Two young girls skip right beside me, sweetly singing and holding hands. I feel the fresh air penetrate my pores in their swirling aftermath of sand and dust. A brother and sister team of around four years old are blowing loud raspberries at each other on a perpetual loop and fist-fighting. Dad looks up from his smartphone once and says, “please stop.” They don’t. He looks back down at his phone. I immediately recognize and empathize with the feeling of defeat. Continue reading

Governor McCrory: My “Boy in a Dress” is Not a Predator

Governor Pat McCrory of N.C. is at it again. His camp released another TV ad yesterday (9/7/16) posing the rhetorical question, “Are we really talking about this?” The question came on the coattails of his claim that while he was “busy raising average teacher pay, creating new jobs and cutting taxes, other folks were actually pushing to make our schools allow boys to use the girls’ locker rooms and showers.”

Yes, Pat. I’m going to go ahead and answer your rhetorical question. We are still talking about this – a conversation that you began.

McCrory actually has a captive, scrutinizing audience with me because I happen to both 1.) work in the public school system, where he falsely persuades North Carolinians to think he has been raising teacher pay averages (but what he doesn’t say is that his “teacher pay average” averages in all school staff, including administration), and 2.) I’m the parent of a little boy who wears dresses. So I’m listening, Pat. You’re talking directly to me. And yes, I will continue to “really talk about this” – the conversation that you started.

While McCrory’s latest ads and interviews seem to be slyly excluding the phrasing about multiple occupancy public restrooms, referring instead mostly to locker rooms and shower facilities, “the bathroom bill” is still the underlying theme playing on the fears of the uninformed. Lest we forget, when they made HB2 into law a few months back, McCrory and his people dubbed it “The Public Facilities Privacy & Security Act, officially called An Act to Provide for Single-sex Multiple Occupancy Bathroom and Changing Facilities in Schools and Public Agencies” aka, “The Bathroom Bill.”

Just this summer, at a town hall meeting in Cary, NC on August 26, McCrory said, “I don’t think our principals and our superintendents should be subjected to allowing a boy who thinks he’s a girl, but is still a boy, to be able to enter a locker room shower or bathroom facility. It’s a respectful disagreement, but it’s not a disagreement that I should be disrespected for having.”

I’ll just leave that one alone. Kick it around in your brain for a while and you’ll get a headache.

On July 22, the NBA announced its decision to pull the 2017 All-Star game out of North Carolina in protest of HB2. To this, McCrory responded on a talk-radio show, “I strongly disagree with their decision. To put it bluntly, it’s total P.C.B.S. … it’s an insult to our city, and an insult to our state.” He further announced that he believes the NBA is practicing “selective outrage.”

One could take this in many directions, but probably the worst part is where McCrory declares that transgender people wanting equal rights is analogous with being “politically correct.” He questions, “does the desire to be politically correct outweigh our children’s privacy and safety?” Well, Pat, it’s actually not political correctness to believe that LGBTQ+ youth shouldn’t be bullied at school. It’s not political correctness to believe that we should offer these kids protections that we would expect all of our kids to have. Besides, federal court has already ruled that HB2 violates federal law, and has since blocked UNC from enforcing provisions. Hell, even the Governor can’t enforce his law in his own mansion, as several transgender female advocates have used the Ladies Room there in plain sight of security guards with no issue.

People are leaving the state in droves because of Governor McCrory. I’m choosing to stay put. I will not let this man chase me out of my beloved home state. I’m staying to see him led out of office and replaced by someone who can begin to repair and restore the state that I love so much. I’d also like to address McCrory directly. Lord knows I’ve already sent enough e-mails that go unanswered, so, what the heck? I’ll just focus my energy blogging about it instead. So, here goes:

Pat McCrory, I am sickened by your continued use of phrases like “a boy who thinks he’s a girl, but is still a boy,” or one of your other favorites, the infamous “boys in dresses” description that you give to legitimate transgender people. Pat, allow me to direct you to a little education. We’ll call it Transgender 101. Lesson one is simple: Transgender girls are girls. They are not “boys in dresses.” But to really understand transgender people, or Native American “two-spirit” people, or gender non-conforming people is much deeper than that. We’ll save that for another day. Right now, the issue I have with raising a young, impressionable, gender non-conforming boy, is why do you feel the need to use and repeat the phrase ad nauseam, “boys in dresses?” Why not “girls in pants?” I’ll tell you why not. Because the assumption of blockheads like you, Pat, is that ALL boys are predators, and women are meek, lowly figures who need protection at all costs, especially in public restrooms and locker room facilities.

My husband and I were blessed with one of each type of child: a cisgender 16-year-old male, a cisgender 14-year-old female, and a gender non-conforming 10-year-old boy who prefers all things sparkly, pink, frilly, and soft. He is on a journey right now. In fact, he has been all of his life. He is sorting through his gender identity and right now he identifies as neither male nor female, but some combination of both. It’s a notion I wouldn’t expect you to understand (I can hear you right now saying, “bless his heart, he’s so confused”) but actually, my husband and I see this as a gift, and so does he. There is no confusion. Regardless, because he’s a gender-bender, my son is actually one of those “boys in dresses” that you keep taunting, and I’d like you to know that he is the exact opposite of a predator. Anyone who knows my son will vouch for his peaceful, loving, accepting spirit, and avoidance of confrontation. In fact, with this climate you’ve recently created, he’s so scared for his own safety right now that he doesn’t even use either restroom in public. He looks for gender neutral, or family bathrooms so that he can avoid confrontation of any kind.

I promise you, Pat, when my gender non-conforming child actually works up his nerve to wear one of his beloved dresses in public, HE is the one who has to fear for his safety. Because you, Governor McCrory, are only interested in protecting a minuscule fraction of society (women whom you perceive as needing some sort of predator protection in public accommodations), you don’t protect the greater good; you don’t seem to understand that a transgender man who opts not to have bottom surgery (that means having a penis built onto his body), but for all intents and purposes looks and dresses exclusively male on the outside, is now guaranteed to be in the women’s restroom, because he was born without a penis. A very masculine looking man going into the women’s room, because that’s the law. I give a sarcastic slow clap in your general direction for managing to vote IN to law exactly what you were trying to vote OUT of law.

McCrory, you have hand-fed the very ignorant monsters who perpetuate this perverted predator in the restroom myth. YOUR people are the dangerous people. Not “boys in dresses.” Boys in dresses are not yet the same thing as transgender girls, but they’re still in some stage of transformation. Boys who wear dresses in public (which is, yet again, different than “drag queens,” or “cross-dressers,” – refer back to Transgender 101, basic vocabulary) are some of the bravest, fiercest, most sincere souls walking this earth. Do you have ANY idea how much bravery it takes for a young boy to wear a dress in public? It takes balls of steel, and I’m not sure how much more “manly” it gets than that.

Pat, YOUR people are the monsters, the predators. YOUR people are the ones to fear, the ones who would laugh at, question, or have a physical altercation with my young son, or me, or his dad, because he chooses to wear a dress. And this isn’t even happening in public bathrooms. The damage he endures happens out in public, in broad daylight.

Pat, you have no idea what you’re doing. You are completely blind to the irony of the situation you have created, when just months ago, no one was the wiser, and transgender people peed beside cisgender people all along. No true, harmful incidents have ever occurred because some man decided to slap on a dress in order to peep in women’s stalls. Despite your law, which is completely unenforceable, “peeping” is a totally separate issue, and is still a crime, regardless of who’s doing it.

My husband and I cannot flush you and your legacy down the toilet fast enough at the polls this season.

#WeAreNotThis

 

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My gender non-conforming son is growing his hair out long so that he can put it into a braid.

An Open Letter to Myself in the Past, When I was a First Time Mom

Hey, you!

It’s you – 16 years into the future! That millennial bundle of joy you’re swaddling and protecting with your life right now… well, guess what? He’s driving now! And I’ll let you in on a little secret: he’s actually a better driver than you ever were. I mean, I know these issues aren’t even on your radar yet, but I thought in these muddled days of confusion from sleepless nights, you might enjoy hearing how you’re going to fare over the next few years.

Perhaps I should go back a bit before he hit sixteen, though. I guess the thought of him driving is a bit much now.

So, here goes.

Dear younger, more inexperienced me,

I want you to know that some things in your life are about to change like crazy. But some other things, well… some other things will never change.

Because you’re frazzled and somewhat depressed right now, let’s start with a few of the things that will change: Continue reading

The Most Needed School Supply Everyone Can Bring: Empathy

Recently I had the honor of being invited to a phone conference with The  Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and Kleenex brand, who together created a social experiment that culminated in a powerful back-to-school ad. The experiment and resulting ad for Kleenex reminds students and parents alike of the challenges associated with back-to-school that we might be overlooking. The ad has already received more than 2.2MM views and 4.5K+ shares. While talking to the researchers more about it, I really liked the concept they brought to the forefront with this idea of empathy. While thinking about back-to-school supplies and going back to school amidst an abnormally politically charged school year, empathy really is the most-needed school supply right now. I took a look at their research and wrote the following article. The Kleenex ad is below as well. Continue reading

Why I Don’t Resent the School Supply List Anymore

(originally published on The Huffington Post)

It’s almost that time of year when I’ll have to fork over at least $300 (but probably much more), on the annual school supply list for my three children. That’s not including the new clothes and shoes they will each need because they’re growing faster than I can keep up with. And $100 per child is actually on the very, very low side.

Over the past few decades, we’ve seen a shift from the teacher’s classroom wish list, to the school issued, mandated grade level supply list. We’ve gone from having classroom wish lists, each item neatly written on a cute paper apple, on a cute giving tree display outside the classroom, to a non-optional, typed, photo copied, and mass-distributed grade level supply list. We’ve gone from teachers politely requesting a few classroom-enhancing gifts, to the school commanding parents to send their children on the first day with more Target and Wal-Mart bags than they can possibly carry. Bags full of items such as tubs of sanitizing wipes (which often have to be a specific kind), large bottles of hand sanitizer, boxes of Kleenex, reams of notebook paper, printer paper, all sizes of plastic storage bags, batteries, glue sticks, packs of pencils and pens, 3-ring binders, and dozens of color-coded folders and spiral bound notebooks.

Ah, the notebooks- Continue reading

Listen to Your Mother

In January, 2016, a long-time theatre friend told me about local auditions for an event called Listen to Your Mother. I had never heard of this event, so I looked into it. It was a live reading event, much like a Tedx Talk, but from the perspective of  (or about) motherhood. Cast members could be men or women, mothers, sons, daughters, or grandchildren, telling their stories on what their mother or mother-figure taught them, or on what the learned from being a mother – in its many senses of the word. There were humorous stories, thought-provoking stories, and tear-jerkers. There were controversial topics and universally embraced themes. It seemed right up my alley, since I’ve been performing on stage for 30+ years, and blogging about being a parent to a gender creative child for 8 years. Continue reading